CRC to certify Trojan Lifestyles

Shushan News Service 14 Adar 5770:

The Central Rabbinical Congress (CRC), Satmar's kosher certifying agency, announced a deal with Trojan, the world's leading manufacturer of condoms, to certify its renowned "Lifestyles" product line. Grand Rabbi Joel Tattlebum announced the deal in front of his United Talmudical Academy in the Williamsburg section of Brooklyn, flanked by Rabbi Avremel Reichman. When asked how the fervently Orthodox Satmar sect can certify condoms to be used in illicit trysts, Reichman replied that Satmar's unique Torah lifestyle would be enhanced by Lifestyles condoms. "CRC is also roshei tyevos for Chemical Rubber Company, so our kosher symbol on Trojan's rubbers is a shiddukh made in heaven. Now when our teachers need to screw a shaina maidl, they won't have to worry about giving her diarrhea." "We don't have shaina maidls in our schools, only shyna mydls," Rabbi Tattlebum corrected. "And she has to be a 36; a man's neshama can only have an aliya screwing a lamed-vovnik."

When Rabbi Yoodle the Poodle Kolko, formerly of Yeshiva Torah Temeiah, was asked for his reaction to the new development, he remarked, "Our large families are long on shvantz and short on gelt. Dental bills are breaking us. Now when we want a lollipop we can wrap it in a CRC-endorsed Trojan condom, suck all day and not worry about cavities."

People gathered at the scene began clamoring for the new kosher cerified condoms, and had to be turned away. In a romantic touch, the new Trojans are to debut in Paris. "But we hope to have ample supplies in Brooklyn's boys' yeshivas and mikvas in time for the Rosh Hashanah blow jobs. Just look for the logo on the package. We wouldn't want our pure and holy boys corrupted by condoms that are not certified kosher l'mehadrin by CRC."

A Happy Purim to all and to all a good night.