Sunday, March 04, 2007

Eli A. Shiv repents

Bulletin from Shushan News Service 15 Adar 5767:

A shake-up of epic proportions is unfolding tonight at the headquarters of Rabbi Eli A. Shiv. A spirited Purim party was going full tilt when the 93-year-old rabbi, often referred to as a "kalte Litvak," began shiv-ering. Like many buildings in Jerusalem, Rabbi Shiv's yeshiva lacked central heating. Frantically, his gabbaim searched under all the pillows in the yeshiva's dorms for forbidden science books. Triumphantly, they ran into the party room with a few handfuls of contraband, which they tossed into the fireplace to gleeful shouts of "burn baby burn." No sooner did Shiv thank his gabbaim than Magilla Gorilla came rushing in, knocking over some bottles of Absolut Shtuss and waving geneological records just unearthed from the archaeological dig at the ruins of King Ahashverosh's palace in Iran. "So you are my long-lost cousin after all," exclaimed Shiv as he embraced Gorilla, "but how did you get this out of Iran?" "Simple. I just told them that the scrolls prove that the building King Solomon built in Jerusalem was really a temple for Allah Yidden." A little tipsy, Galilee-O from Tzfat began prancing up and down, "It moves, it moves!" "What moves, you drunken fool?" "Earth moves. Earth moves." "Nonsense. We heard that already from Kopher-nik. Anything Kopher-nik says is poppycock." "Viagra pop your cock then you see Alice. It moves just the same." "It moves just the same," roared Australia Pithecus as he bounded to where Rabbi Shiv was sitting by the fireplace, warmed by the crackling books. "You think Galilee-O is horny? Wait till you hear this." He whipped out a shofar and blew the loudest tekiah ever heard in the yeshiva. Rabbi Shiv's jaw dropped from fright. The gabbaim exclaimed in unison, "Wrong Yom Tov." "No," said Pithecus. "Right Yom Tov. Yom k'Purim. Yom k'Purim. Rabbi Shiv, I'm fed up with you sticking a knife in good people's reputations. You have a lot of teshuvah to do, and you don't have much time left, so you better hurry before you join me in the Land Down Under." The books stopped burning and Shiv began shiv-ering again, from fear as much as cold. "Voos iss doos? Voos iss doos? We're all going to die. Gabbaim! Saddle up your fastest horses and fan out over the land. Me'ah She'arim. B'nei Brak. All 127 districts where Eli A. Shiv rules. Gather up all the pashkevils and all the book bans. Bring them all here in one month's time and let us burn them with the hametz.